VOCAL OFFENSES:
___Obtrusive Vocal Technique    $20.00
___Unsuccessful Pitch Approximation    $10.00
___Any Hint of Tenor Singing from the Alto section    $15.00
___Snoring      $20.00
___Snoring while Singing    $50.00

EERIE VOCAL SIMILARITY TO:
___Elmer Fudd  $25.00
___A Dying Cat - $25.00
___Natural Disasters   $25.00
___Death Screams (not in score)    $50.00
___Obstruction of Diction  $25.00
___Ungodly Noises (Musical)     $25.00
___Ungodly Noises (Non Musical) $500.00
___Failure to Negotiate Register Breaks     $15.00
___Grotesque Facial Expressions While Singing   $30.00
___Stupid Questions     $10.00
___Really Stupid Questions $25.00
___Really Stupid Questions Which Increase Rehearsal Length  $300.00

ANNOYING BEHAVIOR:
___Endless Diction Questions    $100.00
___Raising Hand after Neighbor's Mistake    $25.00
___Raising Hand after Making Mistake   $40.00
___Obtrusive Foot Tapping       $10.00
___Uninvited Conducting     $15.00
___Insane Cackling at Conductors' Bad Jokes     $50.00
___Unwarranted Beatific Smiling While Singing   $40.00
___Conspicuous Score Marking    $15.00
___Violent Nodding $25.00
___Obsequiously Erect Posture   $50.00
___Warming up during Rehearsal     $35.00
___Singing Full Voice in the Front Row      $50.00
___References to Obscure Recordings/Performances    $90.00
___Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor     $15.00
___Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor   $25.00
___Singing High Notes Louder than Possible      $25.00
___Holding Same High Note 1/4 beat Longer than Everyone Else      $200.00
___Singing Unassigned Solo Parts (sotto voce)   $25.00
___Singing Unassigned Solo Parts (fortissimo)       $100.00
___Obvious Use of Beverages for Vocal Purposes      $75.00
___Discussing Vocal Technique during Rehearsal      $100.00
___Discussing Vocal Technique during break $500.00
___Tiresome Time-Consuming Anecdotes   $30.00
___Offensive Fragrances     $35.00
___Selling Amway Products       $500.00
___Absurd Fashion Statements    $50.00
___Chorus Interruptus  $50.00
___Having Entirely Too Much Fun   50 cents

     In any  chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and  bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within  each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second  basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone,  countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are  mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to  some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this  applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make  excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now. Each voice part sings  in a different range, and each one has a very different  personality.
      You may ask, "Why should singing  different notes make people act differently?", and indeed  this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately  studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend  to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes  that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or  whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains  that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I  will now explain how.

      THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing  the highest, and because of this they think they rule the  world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier  skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted  if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every  movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes,  they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer  and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their  throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor  are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other  sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them  inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to  first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really  necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same,  and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range  in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their  flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that  sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets  with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very  hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the  sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To  sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too  loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with  anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway (although while they  swoon while the Tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses).

      THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth -  in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who  would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos  are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable  to complain about having to sing either very high or very low,  and they know that all the other sections think their parts  are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know  that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they  are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and  flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the  sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are,  too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring  together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate  distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same  range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and  enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a  rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be  heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too  many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

      THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all  there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them,  and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a  halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to  unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason,  the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of  those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors  always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make  sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is  the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing  that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual  perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just  complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making  them sing so high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always  telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them.  No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor  in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all  the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those  incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the  basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E,  they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course,  the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a  little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than  anyone else while singing.

      THE BASSES sing the lowest of  anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid,  dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody  else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have  a deep conviction that they are actually the most important  part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by  sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most  boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in  endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this  by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses  are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they  make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses  are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so  far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate  tuning with the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses  like altos - - except when they have duets and the altos get  the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an  alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all.  They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that  high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass  makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he  can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow,  he will end up at the root of the chord.
~author unknown

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• Everyone should sing the same piece.
• Take your time turning pages.
• Do not worry if you do not have perfect pitch - you may find singing  less stressful without it!
• The right note at the wrong time is the wrong note.
• The wrong note at the right time is still a wrong note.
• A wrong note sung timidly is still a wrong note.
• A wrong note sung with authority is an interpretation.
• A true interpretation is realized when not one note of the original  remains.
• If you happen to sing a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your  neighbors.If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
• If you are completely lost, stop everyone and start an argument  about repeat marks.
• Strive to achieve the maximum notes per second - that way you at  least gain the admiration of the totally incompetent.
• If a passage is difficult, slow it down. If it is easy, speed it up.  Everything will work itself out in the end.
• Markings for slurs, dynamics, ornaments and breathing should be  ignored. They are only there to embellish the score.
• When everyone else has finished singing, you should not sing any  notes you may still have left.

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1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 10. Good places for the Blues:

 a. highway
 b. jailhouse
 c. empty bed

 Bad places:

 a. Ashrams
 b. gallery openings
 c. Ivy League institutions
 d. golf courses

 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.

 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
 b. you're blind
 c. you shot a man in Memphis
 d. you can't be satisfied

 No, if:

 a. you have all your teeth
 b. you were once blind but now can see
 c. the man in Memphis lived.
 d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

 Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

 a. muddy water
 b. black coffee

 The following are NOT Blues beverages:

 a. Snapple
 b. sparkling water
 c.  yoohoo

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair,  and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

 a. Sadie
 b. Big Mama
 c. Bessie
 d. Fat River Dumpling

 17. Some Blues names for men:

 a. Joe
 b. Willie
 c. Little Willie
 d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
 b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
 c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

 (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire or get out a shotgun. I don't care.